Wake Up Psycho Killer
by sansa-sandor-shipper
Summary: Lena and Jack Merridew were a happily married couple till Jack left for four years to serve his queen and country. Now he is home but a much changed man, with PTSD and other mental illnesses from the experience of war. Lena his wife and Ralph his therapist try to help him through this time. Triggers- suicidal thoughts, self harm, past war experience


_**If you do not do what you're told to do when you're told to do it, you will be punished. Do you understand?**_ _ **(Aye, sir!)**_

 _ **If you leave my base without proper authorisation, I will hunt you down and throw your ass in jail. Do you understand?**_ _ **(Aye, sir!)**_

 _ **I can't hear you!**_ _ **(Aye, sir!)**_

 _ **Scream it!**_ _ **(Aye, sir!)**_

 _ **Your ass belongs to me now!**_ _ **(Aye, sir!)**_

 _ **Are you a human drone? (Aye, sir!)**_

 _ **Are you a killing machine? (Aye, sir!)**_

 _ **I'm in control, motherfucker, do you understand? (Aye, sir!)**_

Jack Merridew woke up in a cold sweat, he sat up and began breathing heavily, then he felt a hand on his shoulder. Roaring he turned around and pinned the figure to the bed, he could see them now, the terrorists, he grit his teeth and held him down.

But then there was a frightened cry and a whimper, Jack blinked and suddenly the terrorists had changed into the terrified figure of his wife trembling beneath him. He took his hands away from her and got off her, she turned away from him and scrunched up into a ball crying. Jack lay down and breathed slowly like his therapist had taught him, then he tried to get his wife to turn over to face him but she shuddered at his touch.

Silently cursing himself, Jack got up and walked downstairs, he saw himself in the mirror and he wasn't proud of what he saw. An ex soldier with diagnosed PTSD and a fucked up brain that couldn't tell the difference between al-Qaeda and his own wife, it made him sick to look at himself. Sitting on the window cill in the front room, Jack leant his head against the glass and repeatedly hit his head on the wood. Trying to get the yells and curses of his sergeants out of his head and the comments that would make you feel like shit.

He opened his eyes when he heard the door creak open. It was his wife, his beautiful young wife that was so forgiving she refused to leave him.

"Lena, I'm sorry. I..." He trailed off and looked at her as she walked over to him and sat of the cill opposite him.

"I'm not giving up." She held his hand tenderly and rubbed his fingers beneath his own. Jack began to cry silently, then he hit his head on the wood behind him, hard.

"Jack!" Her shriek made him open his eyes. Lena got up and stopped him from doing it again, there were various bruises of his head, his hair was growing back but you could see the scars and the scabs from previous accidents. She leant his head on her chest and hugged him to her, he cried into her dress and hugged her waist.

Jack seemed to have fallen asleep in her arms but she wasnt about to wake him, but it made her scared that he could wake any moment and try to attack her. PTSD had ruined their lives together and in her heart she knew he would never get better but she wouldn't tell him that. They couldn't go out together for fear that he would get into one of his episodes, he might hurt people. His therapist came to their house, he wasn't aloud in the kitchen where all the sharp objects like scissors and knifes were kept.

He couldn't be trusted with anything anymore, they had been trying for a baby before he left for action four years ago, but now he wouldn't want to try and even if they had a child he couldn't be trusted with a baby. He would definitely hurt the child maybe even kill it. Tears came to her eyes, she had always wanted to be a mother ever since she was younger, and the fact she wouldn't have any made her cry sometimes. She had often imagined a family of red heads and blonde children bouncing around the whole house, but what was the point of dreaming?

Lena had practically banned talk of the military in the house apart from when he was talking to his therapist, she didn't want anything to do with that horrible thing ever again, it had ruined her husband's life and she was too angry to care about the good things. Possible PTSD ex militants are tested for the disease way too late, and sometimes it's too late to do anything. Lena knew something was wrong when Jack didn't really see her, she ran toward him and hugged him but he pushed her away and when he kept hitting his head against the car and muttering on he way home.

The system in the UK didn't support except military men and women well enough, there wasnt a definite chance they would recover but with the right help coming from the government a lot more of the cases of PTSD could be discovered and treated earlier. Even though Lena noticed something was wrong with Jack and she requested many times for him to be tested, he was only tested three months after returning home, in which he had threatened her most days mistaking her for a terrorist. He had never hurt her ever, and he had always apologized very sincerely afterword and usually cried.

He hadn't been aloud to cry for four years because it was considered weak and now it was all coming out. Before the army he had been a confident and cocky but loving man, now he was mearly the shell of who he had been. Now he was troubled, angry, violent and scary sometimes.

"I love you Jack Merridew, what's left of you, I still love you." She whispered looking down at his red hair. But Jack heard it, he had been awake. Was there only a little left of him? Was he a lesser man? Probably, and it was all his fault, he didn't deserve her or her care or her love. People always say that everyone deserves someone to love them but he didn't, he really did love her when he could think but when he wasn't himself he could hurt her. He hadn't, yet, but he knew that at any time she could be hurt by him.

Jack was jealous of everything that touched her because he couldn't, he would break her and that made him cry at night, then she would touch and comfort him and what did he give in return? Hatred, swearing, violence and threats. Whenever she went out and left him locked up like you would to a dog, he would be worried she wouldn't come back and he would be left alone forever. He deserved it, but he couldn't imagine a life without her.

But she was happy, when she wasnt with him she was happy. He knew it, but didn't want to believe it. It was hard for him to say but he was jealous of the way she was happy without him, Jack had begun to pray. He had never been a religious man even when he wa a little, but now he believed the only way she could be happy was if someone else had her, he couldn't provide anything except stress for her.

He would pray for him to somehow die, he was to scared to commit suicide, and for her to lead a happy life without him. She could be happy with anyone else, as long as they were a good person he wanted her to have a better life than this. Lena held him all the time and sang him to sleep, he had tried the same thing but the so called singing had just turned into swearing and insults. Then he had a strong arm around her that was digging into her arm and left bruises. But she put up with it and that wasn't okay.

"Lena, I love you." He said quietly, well that's what he said in his head.

"Affection will be the death of you. Care for no one boys, fight like a psycho, you are a psycho!" Was what he practically yelled in reality, Lena held him a little tighter after jumping at the surprise of the outburst. Jack stood up and looked down at her, his eyes showed he had been crying. He walked over to the coffee table that had some paper and a pen on it. It was plain and he wrote on it.

Coming back to her, he held it up with tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I love you, my darling wife. You are my everything but I can't say it because my brain won't let me, I don't understand why or how you love me. I am a hateful horrid man who can't even hug his own wife for fear of hurting her. I know you are happy without me, and that makes me jealous all the time, I know your happy with no me and I don't understand why you don't leave. All I want is for you to be happy, and I don't think that can be with me, I know you want a family and I know I can't give it to you, so please promise me when I'm gone you will have one. I will probably be gone in a few years-" Lena couldn't carry on, the tears over took her and she fell to the floor crying. Jack crouched in front of her and she finally looked at the rest.

"-and I can't promise you it won't be from my own doing. But I want you to know that I want to hold you I want to be able to love you and have you forever, I want to be able to have sex with you like we used to, I pray to God everyday that you find someone better than me, that you fall head over heels for someone who can give you all those things. There is so much more left to say, but I guess what I want to say is I'm sorry, I'm sorry for going off to war when I could have been with you those four years, I'm sorry that my head is messed up and I can't tell you I love you everyday. I'm sorry that I'm what you have, I know I'm not what you want or what you need but I'm trying. I would do anything for you to be happy and if that meant I had to die I would. I love you, I love you, I love you a million times around and around, love Jack." When Lena finished reading, her lip trembled and some make up that she hadn't cleaned from the night before rolled down her cheeks in tears.

It took her a long time to even look back at Jack, but when she did she went at him. Kissing him full on, she didn't care he couldn't do it to her, he was all she wanted. She pushed him back onto the ground and straddled him, putting his hands on her hips she lay her fingers underneath his shirt and began to pull it over his shoulders. Right now all Lena wanted was him, and him alone. No one else could change that. Suddenly she was flipped over and being pinned down with a hand at her throat, is was pressing down on her windpipe painfully and she tried to shake Jack back to being Jack.

But he had the glint in his eyes she knew all to well as being bad news. Now he was strangling her and it all seemed like it was too late, the light began to form in front of her eyes and she passed out. Dead or no, it was dark as she stared at the inside of her eyelids.

Jack was pacing back and forth, he had gone back to being Jack just in time to stop suffocating her completely. But she hadn't woken up yet and that scared Jack, it had been almost an hour and she was still breathing but not awake and as he ran he hand through his hair he just wanted to die.

Walking into the hall, he strode toward the kitchen, opening the door he found an abyss of sharp objects, breathing slowly he picked up a knife and turned over his wrist.

Lena woke up in a haze with a great pain I'm her neck, it took her a while to figure out where she was and that Jack wasn't in the same room as her, getting up quickly she ran around the hall yelling his name as loud as she could. He walked out of the bathroom with his left wrist behind his back.

"Jack. Show me your wrist." Her alreadly hoarse voice said calmy.

"No. Your awake." He seemed to have got some sentences mixed up.

"Jack. I don't care about if in awake. Show me your wrist." Regrettably he pulled his wrist out from behind his back, it was covered in a bandage and there was a tiny blood mark on the side that was the underside of his wrist.

"Oh Jack." Lena said the tears returning. Delicately she took hold of his arm and pulled back the bandage, the cut wasn't deep and it would scar over but the damage was done.

"Do you understand why you can't go in the kitchen. Jack! Listen to me! I don't want to loose you so stop this. Please." Lena walked into the bathroom and saw the bloodstained knife on the sink. She poked it into the sink and watched the wash away before sticking it in the dishwasher and locking the kitchen door.

"Come on." Lena to hold of his good hand and pulled him up the stairs. Putting him into bed, she sang him to sleep and then went downstairs. As soon as she got into the kitchen she sank down to the floor and cried. She loved him but it hurt so bad, she knew if they tried anything intimate that he would have an episode and Lena couldn't take it. But she had made a promise to him and she couldn't break it.

 ** _Are you a psy_ _cho killer? Say "I'm a psycho killer!"_ _(I am a psycho killer!)_**

 ** _Scream it!_ _(I am a psycho killer!)_**

 ** _Show me your war face!_ _(AHHHH!)_**

 **_You are a pussy! I said show me your war face!_ _(AHHHH!)_**


End file.
